Originally posted on ElfGrove’s tumblr in 2011.
Let me explain something about conventions and the convention atmosphere that is NOT okay. Touching people without their express permission. I’m not talking about brushing shoulders in crowded halls. That’s unavoidable. It’s the intentional touching, violating someone’s personal space. Regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. I don’t care. I do not know you, so it is NOT okay to touch me without me specifically saying it is okay.
Hey, you admire my costume. That is great. Thank you for the compliment. I appreciate it.
The next appropriate action is NOT to reach out and start fiddling with the edges of the chest flap (this was my Lady Blackhawk costume, Saturday night at the Hyatt Bar by SDCC), trying to pull at the snaps. When I look at you and surprise and mortification that you are violating my personal space, the appropriate response is NOT, “Oh, it’s okay. I’m gay.” I don’t care if you’re not attracted to women that way, you do not get to randomly start touching a stranger who is clearly uncomfortable with the situation. You sure as hell do NOT continue that unwanted physical contact after you realize the person is uncomfortable.
Boy is lucky I was 1) too shocked and horrified to punch his pink-dyed head off his shoulders, 2) trying to politely get him to stop (brushing his hands away and discouraging the conversation he was trying to start from continuing) on the assumption he was too drunk to know better, and 3) the point he was touching is practically all the way at my armhole, mostly away from the boob so I felt uncertain as to how threatening to interpret his behavior. You don’t know how my costume is constructed. If he had achieved what he seemed to be attempting (which was to open the edge of the front flap across the chest) he might have exposed me to the rest of the bar. Now, my costume doesn’t work that way, and It wouldn’t have shown anything because it is a fully zipped up jacket beneath the flap, but he did not know that, and he could have damaged my costume.
I didn’t stick around too much longer after that, but I would glance around and see the guy in the crowd (an Asian man with the top of his hair dyed pink stands out a bit) and he would nod at me and grin every time our eyes met. At one point he was poking a friend next to him and pointing at me. I had had 2 drinks at that point and felt really uncomfortable and unsafe when I saw that he was still paying attention to where I was, and not very far away.
My wingmen (two male friends) kind of failed at backing me up. They stood and watched while I tried to politely get this guy to stop touching me. I’m shy when it comes down to the bones of things, and the old school Southern sensibilities from Grandma are what kick in when I panic for myself. They said afterward that they had been concerned, but weren’t sure if they needed to step in or not. Of course, there was a mixed message to my forceful attitude an hour earlier when a homeless guy separated Julius from the rest of the group while we were walking down the street and had initially told him no to the request for money. He put his arm around Julius and literally pulled him away from the group. I had stepped back, grabbed Julius’s hand and started towing him back into our crowd of friends while insisting we had someplace to be and were in a hurry. So me being less forceful an hour later when someone starts harassing me is confusing, I get that.
However, General Advice: if your friend looks uncomfortable and the first “No” is not getting the stranger to back off, please step in. I don’t care about the gender or whatever involved. Sometimes it’s hard for the person at the center of the attention to speak up for themselves and get an escape.